For the first year in the English Games’ history, the event will coincide with the Highland Games, in order to lure drunken Scotsman out into the open.
During the Highland Games’ opening night ceremonies, when celebrants gather in clans upon the main field and build a giant bonfire, participants in the English Games, sponsored by Old Speckled Hen, will clandestinely gather in the woods and then send wave after wave of cavalry charges to trample the Scots.
“This year’s English Games promise great opportunity to commune with our Scottish brothers and then promptly run the old chaps through,” said Asheville resident Lord Bartlesby. “The Highland Games did not ask nor receive permission from English descendents to engage in contests of rock-throwing or kilt-sniffing and shall pay a dear price.”
A new cannon competition has been added to the English Games, allowing participants to take aim at Highland Games participants in an attempt to bomb them forward to the Stone Age.
Per tradition, the Highland Games competitors will be given the opportunity to surrender honorably, a formality extended by competitors in the English Games before they chase the Scots willynilly in every direction and claim sovereignty over Scottish kegs.
This year’s winners of the Highland Games will be allowed to let their wives be bedded by the winners of the English Games.