Asheville, Monday — An Asheville medical stone worker has been accused of negligence after allegedly leaving a piece of quartz on a patient for over an hour.
“Quartz, as we all know, provides total wellness and maternal comfort when placed upon a patient,” said Dr. Gene Stafford, the director of North Carolina’s Department of Natural Stone Medicine. “But in large doses, quartz rewrites the deep, subconscious spiritual programming of a non-rock entity, and, sadly, this is one of those cases.”
Accused of medical stone malpractice Jason Ellerbe just wanted to remember what it felt like to be loved by a mother, as he recounts in his complaint.
“I asked the stone worker if maybe a pound of quartz was a lot of medicine for my first time, and she assured me that this was a standard Chinese dose,” recalls Ellerbe.
Of course, everyone intuitively knows that proximity to a pound of quartz will erase your spiritual DNA, but Jason instead put his full trust in the highly accredited stone worker.
“The stone worker casually slapped down a near-lethal dose of quartz on my belly,” said Jason, “and offered me a stone elixir that I suspect was not prepared on a full moon.”
Before the hour was up, Jason’s bone marrow was replaced with pure soul, making him so spiritually ill that a Charlotte shaman had to be summoned to reverse the medical mishap.
“Listen, quartz is found beneath the sur- face of the earth, where it has gained tre- mendous medical power, clearly,” said Dr. Stafford. “If you or a loved one has overdosed on quartz, you must seek shamanic treatment immediately. Too many people hesitate, and by the time they are trying to describe their condition, they find they can only speak in pidgin Cherokee.”
