Warren Wilson’s swimming pool to close indefinitely

swimmingpoolSwannanoa, Tuesday — The pool at Warren Wilson College is scheduled to close indefinitely on Friday after school officials learned students had been swimming in pure hope.

“We were upset to learn that students were fully submerged in hope, after diving in head-first and splashing about in it,” said Johnson Bowles, VP for Advancement at Warren Wilson.

Bowles said school officials first realized students were swimming in hope when a routine examination in the Office of Academic Affairs revealed more than 95 percent of Warren Wilson students were majoring in Environmental Studies.

“We cross-referenced our findings with those of other colleges, and were shocked to learn that, in the year 2030, four out of every five citizens will have a degree in Environmental Studies,” said Bowles.

Bowles said the pool has been completely drained of hope and disinfected with a Masters in Business Administration.

Warren Wilson College has encountered issues with its pool before, notably during the “Philosophy” outbreak of 1999 and the “Comparative Literature” scare of 1996.